How to get out of an abusive relationship

I chose to remain in an abusive relationship for more than six months.

Often it was hard to believe he was treating me badly because he would be so nice to me most of the time. He’d take me on picnics, buy me flowers when I was sick, and pick me up from work when I didn’t have a car. He was even of the type that opened doors and pulled out chairs. He’d do all these nice things and then the next day I’d be walking on egg shells, struggling to avoid displeasing him. These bad days often consisted of a variety of emotional abuse, leaving me feeling less than human, and utterly miserable. By the end of these bad days, I’d gather all my strength to leave him and feel justified in doing so, but then the next day he’d go back to being wonderful.

There finally came a time when it didn’t matter that he’d just been wonderful – I couldn’t take it anymore, I told him we needed to break up – but then I crumbled as he made promise after promise and a very convincing argument for us to stay together. I was powerless against his words, his promises, his skilled manipulation.

So how did I get out?

1. I decided to leave.

Once I was at breaking point, I realised that I could no longer remain in the relationship whilst being treated the way that I was – regardless of how nice he tried to be between bad days. I decided that no matter what, I had to leave him and that I had to stay firm in my decision.

2. When I faltered in my resolve, I connected back in with my support network.

I opened up to my parents about the reality of the relationship and all that I had been hiding from them. It was a tough conversation but it helped me to recognise that I couldn’t do it alone – that I needed their intervention.

3. I cut all ties with him

Once my parents had stepped in and told him he wasn’t allowed to see me again, I kept my half of the bargain and didn’t contact him ever again. I deleted him from my social media but kept his phone number so that I would know if it was him calling, resolving that I would not answer his calls or respond to his messages if he sent any.

4. I reconnected with the people I had lost touch with during the relationship

Because he had isolated me from my family and friends, after the relationship was over I experienced a lot of shame, like a dog with its tail between its legs, trying to connect back in with my loved ones. I forced myself to ignore how I felt about it and swallowed my pride because I knew that they loved me despite how I had abandoned them. It took almost two years of work before those relationships started to feel right again, but it was worth it – their love and support helped me to heal and to recognise that I deserved to be treated better than how he had been treating me.

I was fortunate that my situation was mostly limited to emotional abuse, that we were unmarried, that there were no children involved, and that we were each living with our respective parents. For these reasons, my escape was a somewhat easy, clean break, however I recognise that it may not be so for many other women who fear for their lives when they leave an abusive partner.

Dr Phil and the Australian Government both have good strategy plans, particularly with regards to domestic violence, including things such getting a new phone number, changing the locks on your house, and starting a new bank account.

The most important thing, no matter the extent of the abuse, is for you to realise that you do not deserve to be treated the way you are and that your partner is not going to change, that things are not going to get better by you staying put and accepting them as they are.

Make the hard choice: leave.