I Cannot Blame Superpowers

I’ve just become hooked on Marvel’s Jessica Jones but not because I’m a comic geek.

The R-rated show is a battle between Jessica and adversary Kilgrave as he bends her to his will – for Kilgrave’s greatest power is mind control – and it reminds me, uncannily, of the time I spent in an abusive relationship.

As I watch her be told by Kilgrave to smile I see myself told to leave my friends behind. As she is forced to dig through cement with her bare hands, I see myself forced to run 10 kilometres at a time. With every haunting scene of Marvel’s Jessica Jones, I am reminded of the abuse, the manipulation of my past. How I was convinced to leave the Catholic Church. How I was bullied to eat less and excessively exercise. How I was made to wear what he wanted me to wear and was stopped from spending my own money. How I was forced to sit and study for hours. How I was separated from my family and told to leave my friends.

I was being led by someone who I thought loved me, who I thought had my best interests in mind, who seemed a lot wiser and more experienced in the world than I was at the time. I was weak and naïve and I cannot blame superpowers for him having a hold over me, but I was manipulated all the same.

So I watch Jessica Jones with trepidation. I want to see her win. I want to see her defeat not just Kilgrave but her fears of him. I want to know that she survives as if it says something about my own survival.

Because if she can live to tell the tale, albeit a little bruised and worse for wear, then surely I can too? It is spurring me on, knowing how important it is that I get my book published to help other young women in similar circumstances. I cannot imagine how difficult Jessica Jones must be to watch for those who have experienced fully-fledged, undeniable abuse. But I am sure that it gives them hope and perhaps a little bit of courage.

Like Jessica Jones, my book is not for the faint-hearted, nor for children’s eyes. But the story, it needs to be told – to give hope and perhaps a little bit of courage.