Nine ways to recognise you’re in an abusive relationship

As I’ve said before, it took a billboard advertisement for me to realise I’d been in an abusive relationship – months after the relationship was over. It said “Is he watching what you spend, is he telling you who to be friends with, is he telling you how to dress?  Did you know this is abuse?”

Of course, these are not the only signs of an abusive relationship – they come in many forms. There’s emotional, sexual, physical, spiritual, verbal, economic, and mental abuse. I think the simplest way I would describe abuse is as being manipulation.

Manipulation is inevitable in all relationships – a parent advising their child on a suitor, a coach pushing an athlete to try harder, or a teacher steering a student towards a particular career. But manipulation can come in both good and bad forms. Good being that someone is manipulating (that is, encouraging or advising) you to do something out of genuine care and concern. Their intentions are virtuous – they want what they believe is best for you. Bad being that someone is manipulating you to do something for their own purpose or selfish gain. The difference can sometimes not be discerned by surface value, but lies within the heart of the person and their motives.

For instance, the coach could be pushing an athlete to perform better to boost their own professional coaching profile, or because they want the athlete to be the best they can be for the athlete’s own sake. This can make for detecting abuse difficult, as no one can truly know the heart of another person and their motives.

Whilst I was in an emotionally abusive relationship, I excused his behaviour, thinking he just had my best interests in mind and was trying to help me be better. Now I see through the lies I was telling myself, that in actual fact he didn’t think that I was good enough as I was and he wanted me to be better for his sake, to become his idea of the perfect girlfriend. If you have your suspicions that something isn’t quite right and that you find yourself constantly making excuses for someone, perhaps you need to take an honest look at the relationship.

This list of nine signs of an abusive relationship (that is, romantic relationship) may help as a starting point:

1. Do they control your spending in an unnecessary way?
2. Have they ever tried to change your religious beliefs?
3. Have they ever physically hurt you or threatened to hurt you (hitting, slapping, throwing things at you)?
4. Have they ever forced you to do something that you really didn’t want to do, including sexually?
5. Do they check your phone or social media obsessively and get angry at any contact from the opposite sex?
6. Do they suffer from extreme mood swings or severe changes in personality almost like Jekyll and Hyde (charming one minute, monster the next)?
7. Have they ever tried to keep you from seeing your friends or family?
8. Do they constantly put you down about your appearance, weight, or abilities?
9. Do you ever feel frightened to say ‘no’ or to say what you think or that you’re ‘walking on eggshells’ all the time?

All of these are red flags, signs that this person is not treating you with the love and respect you deserve. Do right by yourself and stop making excuses for their behaviour.